about myself

this going to be a post about myself that maybe not much ppl knew about it
what i am going to share about is some random facts about myself

i sometimes wonder about what does ppl think of me at their first sight, or when they 1st knew me.
i get different answers
kind,
polite,
never get angry
(its not that i dont get angry, is bcoz i CHOOSE TO FORGIVE)
....bla..bla..bla...
but the most special answer i get is what made me surprised
someone told me that i am proud
i wonder why
and i think and think
then i get the answer.
whenever i am in a comfortable situation among friends or ppl i know,
i will face them with A smile :)
but then
when i am not in a good mood
or i get nervous
or i am in someplace that is not so safe for me
(eg:when i am taking bus alone..going places alone...)
i will take away my smile
and then pretend to be someone that looks cool
u wont see me in this face if you're my friend,
bcoz i only show this "face" when i am alone in a crowd or place that i am not used to,
i personally think that this is one of the way i can protect myself.

i also thought of what i am
i think i am quite optimistic all the time,
i don't get sad of things in life easily,
I'll always try to think on the positive side for everything that happens,
whenever someone is doing something wrong,
i Will first think about what are the true reasons that made them do so,
but one thing that will made me sad and disappointed if is when someone betrayed me,
and also backstabbers.
if u know me then u will know that i don't easily get angry if u tell me i am
fat
not pretty
not clever enough
cant sing well
cant draw well
clumsy
not good in playing piano
have lousy driving skills
and bla bla bla...
Because those imperfection are caused BY myself,
my parents born me as a healthy person, and they already gave me the best they could.

AND............
there's Another thing that could really HurT me
which i could not deny
i got a soft voice vocal,and moderately low voice,
which could never be changed in my whole life
i still remember how ashamed i am in my secondary class
our very strict English teacher insisted that all of us must go to the front and read out loudly from the text book
i was so nervous that time
because the class is so big (50++ students in a class)
and she wants to hear us read out very loud from the last row in the class
( normal voice could not satisfied her)
and i almost cried out because i was asked to repeat and repeat the sentences even though i had shout my voice out
that was a nightmare for me

until now
i finally felt better because i study in an aircond room now
there's no need to shout so loud anymore
its difficult for me because when i wants to be loud like others,
i have to put a bigger effort to do it.
so,
whenever i am asked to be louder
this nightmare is repeating in my mind,
i really HATE it a lot when someone wants me to speak LOUD,
so dont blame me if u couldnt hear from me,
instead of asking me to speak loud
i prefer if ppl kindly just tell me that they cant hear from me.
or if i am just not happy,
i Will pretend not to listen,

to keep myself far far away from the nightmare.