when you're not strong enough and gave chance for those emotions to conquer you...

Tried hard to figure ways to chase away those irritating emotions that surrounded me for days, 

and please just leave me alone....

Seriously need a clear piece of mindset to proceed for everything,

which I knew is much more important in life

I wanted to held time tightly

but they were gone in nowhere i can't see them

No where to find them back

Its not TGIF

but OMGIF!! 

when you had no words to describe
mixed feelings overloaded
you knew you are not supposed to think in that way
you knew its unreasonable to raise your thoughts...where you are not supposed to,
so you keep your words to yourself.
you knew its alright but not right at the same time
you already knew that it is supposed to be like this
but you still put that little hope to wish that it will be in the other way round,
you wished that there will be a better way,
you wished that you can actually tell what's going on but you have no idea.
To get the best out of best
Find a way to escape and get rid of all those thoughts
you ignored whatever popped in your mind
you see it as you cant see them
you are always good enough  in persuading yourself to pretend that this is not real
you closed your eyes as if you cant see through what you don't wish to see
you pretend that everything is just as right
you found a tunnel and you wish to hide just right there
but you knew that its not okay when you keep yourself to yourself all the time
so you make that to a way which will lead you to the brighter side where the grass are greener and the air are fresher,  which may be good though
you hate the way that you make little thoughts so complicated
but this is life
get some fresh air and view everything on a wider perspective
you should love the way that you force yourself to learn when there is no better option
you live the best of yourself in hard times because you learned to be brave and accept challenges
when you cross over that barrier you will then look back and realize there's not big deal
because you knew that you have the best weapon-" The Almighty God" with you!

To the one who listens and reads me all these while :)

I wonder sometimes

i have being such a mysterious person to the others, 

people get to know me 

but what they can afford to know is only what they can see from me

what they can hear from me is merely a tiny part of my mind

at times, I'm  that selfish for sharing my thoughts 

and i only share them to those who reads my mind

and those who makes effort to read them, and maybe "dig in" my mind 

I'm never good in expressing myself, neither in words nor expression

Quite complicated,

But I'm glad I still found that special soul mate who always understands me, 

and someone that i felt secure to share everything 

No matter its about the happiness, sadness, awful stories, shameful stuffs, weirdest-ever-thoughts, anger, extraordinary thoughts, anything it could be~ You'll always be the very FIRST listener and perhaps, most of the time the ONLY listener to know all these spices of my life. 

Hey there my crazy little friend, i knew much that I'm not willing to share You with anyone if that can be.

But to be "generous" & "kind" plus using the "angel" side of my mind to think,

 i'm gonna share you for good and hide the "devil" side of me from being the envious zombie sleeping beside you! muahahahaha....

listening to the same  favourite old songs which i once enjoyed much, i can see those happiness faces we once upon had, but now things were different...

trying to get numb of these and not to fit them in mind , this is the only way i can find to escape and not to face the reality for certain time.

to the very important person in my life and she had being so strong in this very difficult time. there is no much way i can help now, i wish time will pass fast so i can be there for her very soon and i'll do all that i can to see the smile on her again. i knew there's nothing more important than this. The main motivation for me to study hard had gone to no where and i knew i'm not supposed to be but i lost them.

i couldn't do anything

i could hardly found the happy soul in me right now. i don't like it this way but i couldn't help. i always thought myself as a positive thinker because i will try to think the other way round whenever there's any problem. this time its different. i couldn't stop this sorrow in me.The weakest part of me is not when i am facing troubles, but its when they are related to my love ones. Somehow I'm helpless because i am not able to change anything. Thinking about the worst it could turned out brings me fear. i rather be the one in that position because i knew somehow there is someone for me where i can always share my problems with but its different when it happens on her. i can imagine the pain is unbearable in this situation. i can only pray for this to be changed.   

Little Dreams of life

I had been so free lately and came out with this random post.

Ahh I got a few little dreams which I wish they could be real one day =D :)

Latin Dancers are HOT! Aren't they??

I always admired the dancers which can dance gracefully on the stage. Though I’m not a big fan of modern dance/hot dance but still admire them a lot. I wished that I can have the chance to learn Latin dance one day! I always love to watch the gestures of Latin dancers, their expressions and movements made me felt that they are so full of confidence and energetic~ I just love it so much! And did I tell you I love Latin songs too. J

Vanessa Mae, she's talented and she looks so sexy with that transparent violin~

And I also wished that I could have the time and patient to continue learning violin. I’m so inspired by Vannessa Mae cos she’s so COOL that she can be so sexy and gorgeous when she plays her electric violin/the transparent violin/whatever violin she’s using also look so damn cool! And I also love orchestra a lot! The music which catches my ear the most is actually orchestra! I get goose bumps on me every time listening to orchestra music because I am in awe of the harmonious melody made up by so many instruments. I stopped learning both piano and violin for many years and I think I will never go back for piano lesson anymore since it was like a nightmare to me( I hate piano class but I enjoyed playing it at home)but for violin…hmm…its always in my consideration.

Flawless skin is also another secret wish of mine! But reality is so cruel because i got this hormonal imbalance problem  for quite some time giving me many trouble for my skin and I have not yet getting rid of them after burning so much of $$ on skincare…facial treatment packages…medicine…supplement..etc.etc… Lvery sad~when will I finally conquer them?

I wished that my working life will be very interesting~ but I have no idea how will it be….anyway I just don’t want myself to be like a dead fish after starting to work. I wanna have great life, wished that the next stage of life will be interesting, happening, meaningful, and fruitful!

Explore the wonders of the world

Another challenge I would like to take it is that I wanna go for backpacking travelling! i wish that I am brave enough to go alone but that will be too much for me because I’m not yet that brave~ so maybe having a companion will be good enough! I guess this will be a great experience and I wish that I get this chance to explore new places not just like the type of travelling brought along by the tourist guide and they will just bring u around the famous tourist attraction places and you will take loads of pictures then leave that place. I want it to be more exciting~ Hope that one day I can have this adventure of backpacking trip! I believe This will be fun.

the next thing is...I always wanted to make my parents to feel proud of me! J That’s why I have to study harder now so I don’t disappoint them since they had spent so much of time, $$$ and effort to educate me, feed me, they put us as the first priority in their life, how could I let them down, if I am then I am such a useless daughter. So in this coming one year, also the LAST semester I’m going to spent in University, the only last year I will be having lectures, exams….i shall be proud to say that I am still a student (because many of my friends had just graduated and started with their carrier), I am still having the privilege for being a student, so I MUST do what a student should do, to study hard!!! And also not remember to play hard~

 Here... it’s the one which I keep repeating over the years……(always speak louder than action) I must keep fit~ this is what mom warns me every time I’m back to home! She’s more concern about my weight issue than my studies! Exercising is not big deal for me but the problem I got is with my diet. Sometimes I just can’t resist the temptation of foods or eating at inappropriate time especially when I’m with my friends~~~I’m not a big eater but the foods that I like are having high calories L I’m trying my best to discard those unhealthy ones from my list. 

Till then~~these are the random thoughts in my mind at this moment. 

Cheer for the sake that Weekend is coming again :):) 

...........

After Years...still..i'm full with doubts....
what have u see in me now?or maybe i should ask what do u want?
at moments that i wanted to get you out, so not to occupy that limited space i got in me,
you'll just popped out somewhere as if we're in the middle of hide and seek game, and i failed...
I used to ignore, but  changed my mind now.
One Day, i will bring along a heart full with courage and clear all my doubts :)

I had read  these 2 quotes from an e-mail, which are very meaningful.....worth a look and thought of it!

'To get something you never had, you have to do something you never did...'

When God takes something from your grasp, He's not punishing you, but merely opening your hands to receive something better.


'The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you.'

mid sem over

Finally, the hectic half sem of year 3 sem 1 had passed, and mid semester exam is over. :)
i can take some breath and relax for some while~~ but its really just for ' some while'
because the even hectic half semester is coming..practical exam, assignments....bla bla bla...and final exam coming soon... time flies and i can see that December is coming, Christmas tree soon will be set up anywhere~~*dreaming the holidays are coming*
talking about the pass few weeks back, i hadn't being free enough to update neither my blog or my dairy~~ that's bad...because the purpose of me writing blog is for me to keep track of what had i did in the past, but i failed whenever i am busy...I'm thinking of updating for the previous tits and bits of my life here later, when i got the time :)
This 2 weeks had been a busy and contented week,

Mid semester exam is tiring but i like it when i am having exam, because that's the reason which force me to study real hard, woke up very very early every morning with Evelyn to study

Finally i had my printer back,bcoz i had sent it to repair for more than 1 month and didn't have the time to get it back~ =P happy to see my printer functioning again.

Went to Queensbay's Neway last Saturday with the others for the 1st time to celebrate Evelyn's birthday, and had buffet there, i think it was quite nice :)

i like busy life because life's not that dull, even though i am having lots of assignments and left behind my studies~

i like the way how i can escape and get some fun after having whole day of class :D

Accompanied Eve and Erene to the music studio for recording~ enjoyed watching and learn how a music recording process was like~

I'm happy when there's someone cooking nice foods for me too! :) Lily Soon i love u! hahahaha~~~~
i'm just happy to have you coming to my house and spent time together, happy for having such a friend like you!

i had being contented and had mind of peace all the time, because I'm now living in just a small house with 3 people, and my mood hardly get affected by anyone, i just love the way how peaceful it was in this small corner of mine, away from possible distractions when i was staying in hostel...maybe just some small stuffs like "someone had made the toilet dirty" will be just that irritating and these little by little made me get mad.....

so now, i am very happy to have a place belong to me and not letting anyone affect my happy mood!
and i love to have my this cute cousin evelyn to stay with me! ^^
and its perfect when we finally can sleep in aircond room~ no worries for hot weather and sleepless night anymore :) yeah~~

for next week, i think i gonna work hard for the 4 assignments and study for practical exam is it's possible, so that when i am back from camp I'll be able to prepare for the practical exams and viva.
till then....gonna stop at here and continue in my next post.

............

Sometimes, i get real disappointed.....
Because the most important thing in your life is just merely YOURSELF,
You only think from Your Own Side,
You Blame others before you realised what's Wrong with yourself,
The Happiness u felt is only on One side, BUT u never knew what's happening on the Other side.
What u SAID, is way better than what u DID....
This is not what i like to say, but u made me do so.

Saving Love Coins in the Piggy Bank

Love between couple and friendship can both be described as a piggy bank.
every single little good things we do to others is as that we are saving a little penny in their piggy bank,
a smile, a laughter, sharing jokes, listening to them, helping each other, being thoughtful, spent time together, understanding,....
is like you're saving love coins to the piggy bank,
the love between each other grew when the love coins became more
the bank will be full if you're saving everyday,
the love coins will lost itself when there's misunderstandings, quarrels, dislikes, etc.
But, if the piggy bank is rich enough, it can afford to lose the love coins, and time can heals the piggy bank and it will become rich again if there's someone saving love coins into it;
However, when the piggy bank is poor,
it will easily become broke once it lost it's love coins in it, and soon it will bankrupt.
save your love coins everyday so that there wont be any chances for the piggy bank to get dried up of love coins. =)

about myself

this going to be a post about myself that maybe not much ppl knew about it
what i am going to share about is some random facts about myself

i sometimes wonder about what does ppl think of me at their first sight, or when they 1st knew me.
i get different answers
kind,
polite,
never get angry
(its not that i dont get angry, is bcoz i CHOOSE TO FORGIVE)
....bla..bla..bla...
but the most special answer i get is what made me surprised
someone told me that i am proud
i wonder why
and i think and think
then i get the answer.
whenever i am in a comfortable situation among friends or ppl i know,
i will face them with A smile :)
but then
when i am not in a good mood
or i get nervous
or i am in someplace that is not so safe for me
(eg:when i am taking bus alone..going places alone...)
i will take away my smile
and then pretend to be someone that looks cool
u wont see me in this face if you're my friend,
bcoz i only show this "face" when i am alone in a crowd or place that i am not used to,
i personally think that this is one of the way i can protect myself.

i also thought of what i am
i think i am quite optimistic all the time,
i don't get sad of things in life easily,
I'll always try to think on the positive side for everything that happens,
whenever someone is doing something wrong,
i Will first think about what are the true reasons that made them do so,
but one thing that will made me sad and disappointed if is when someone betrayed me,
and also backstabbers.
if u know me then u will know that i don't easily get angry if u tell me i am
fat
not pretty
not clever enough
cant sing well
cant draw well
clumsy
not good in playing piano
have lousy driving skills
and bla bla bla...
Because those imperfection are caused BY myself,
my parents born me as a healthy person, and they already gave me the best they could.

AND............
there's Another thing that could really HurT me
which i could not deny
i got a soft voice vocal,and moderately low voice,
which could never be changed in my whole life
i still remember how ashamed i am in my secondary class
our very strict English teacher insisted that all of us must go to the front and read out loudly from the text book
i was so nervous that time
because the class is so big (50++ students in a class)
and she wants to hear us read out very loud from the last row in the class
( normal voice could not satisfied her)
and i almost cried out because i was asked to repeat and repeat the sentences even though i had shout my voice out
that was a nightmare for me

until now
i finally felt better because i study in an aircond room now
there's no need to shout so loud anymore
its difficult for me because when i wants to be loud like others,
i have to put a bigger effort to do it.
so,
whenever i am asked to be louder
this nightmare is repeating in my mind,
i really HATE it a lot when someone wants me to speak LOUD,
so dont blame me if u couldnt hear from me,
instead of asking me to speak loud
i prefer if ppl kindly just tell me that they cant hear from me.
or if i am just not happy,
i Will pretend not to listen,

to keep myself far far away from the nightmare.

Rejoice

the worst part of exam is over,
and i wished that organic chemistry will really be a history for me this moment...
just hope that i will pass this paper.
things turned out better that what i expected.
till the last minute, when i almost give up to study for it,
i gain my spirit of studying and not giving up before i went to the exam hall...
this does help me a little bit, and also thanks to Annie, who had helped me a lot,
guiding me to understand those complicated chemical mechanism which always cracked my head when i try to understand them.
God's blessing is wonderful, although i am not that confident in getting flying colours, but at least felt relieved when i manage to answer more that 70% in it.

Exam

The first exam paper had made my heart aches for it,
and this is happened for the 1st time in my study life, where the exam can made me felt so bad....
its not the matter of i cant do well, i did managed to handle most of the questions,
but its the matter of confidence level that hit me to the ground.
the subject is the one which i thought i am confidence in and i had spent lots of time studying for it,
but my performance is not that what i expected.

fears comes when there's no more confidence in me,
as the next subject will be Organic chem, which is like hell for me...
the time passes even slower when i wish to escape from it,
not knowing what will i see in the exam paper on the next day,
disappointment and nervousness had bring me somewhere out of my mind.
i had been thought for the worst part in the exam, which i get the paper and have my mind blank.... but i really hope this never ever will happen..

Friday evening,
Sitting alone by the window side in hostel,
I looked out the window and saw bliss on their faces,
people were sitting and waiting for their parents to pick them on the benches
Meanwhile, i saw a dad was standing over by the roadside,
from his eyes, i could saw that he's waiting for someone
on the other side,
i saw a girl
slowly walking towards his direction
dozens of thoughts flushed out of my mind at that moment
i recalled my secondary school life
Dad was the one who send and pick me from school everyday
It was really great to have someone waiting for you with a loving heart
Rain or shine, it doesn't matters...they'll always be there
For one moment,
How i wish i still can have this chance in University
But deep in my heart, i knew that this will never happen
Because the campus is so far apart from home,
Envying those who have their beloved family coming all along to pick them
At the same time, enjoyed the touching view from my room during weekends.

Love can heals

There is no perfect human being on earth,
God created each of us as a unique person.
People do have their own bad habits, thoughts, behaviours...
When you thought that someone does not communicate and act in the way you think its 'correct','comfortable', or 'pleasing',
and you JUST felt that they are WEIRD!...
But
Have you ever think from the other side?
Are you sure that no one thinks that you are weird at the same time too?
People might also look at you on the same way...
This is all because all of us are just different from each other,
What matters is just the differences between people,
sometimes it is just some minor differences, sometimes it might be large differences,
which in turn let you look others as 'weird monsters'.
Instead of eliminating or complaining others, just try to be fair when we judge them.

You look at the bit of sawdust in your friend's eye. But you pay no attention to the piece of wood in your own eye.
Matthew 7：3

tortoise is crawling with me while i'm typing

because of being the new secretary in our fellowship, there's a lot for me to learn.
the toughest for me i think is typing a formal report...
i knew i 'm really not good in writing a report,
and worse is using Chinese for typing reports...
its killing me...
since I'm not used to type in Chinese, my typing speed is damn....slow! :(
i spent almost 2 hour to just type a 3 page report! die hard....
finally it was done now!!!yeah:P
trying hard to improve my Chinese typing speed from now on! ^^

HAHAHAHA...i am just happy

My life had been real busy in this one week,
Busy rushing for assignments, and preparing for mid-sem test.
and having lectures as normal at the same time.
This was really really.... tiring!
All of this was a heavy burden for us,
but i tried my best to take it easy,
so i wouldn't felt so stress for all this.

Those are the things i had completed in this week:
Mon- I had my Eng presentation and Malaysian Studies presentation done!
Tues-Having Physiology test.
Wed-Just having Lab as usual
Thurs- Having organic chemistry test, & Philosophy presentation
Fri- It was the last test "in this week">>Anatomy test was over ^^v

And now...finally i can having some free time to watch cartoon sin chan to pamper myself from studying so hard these few days :P
hahahahaha....
anyway, there will be more to go on the following weeks.

we are nicely created

anatomy class is really going fast and made us headache,
too much of new terms are introduced in each lecture,
but there's one thing that made me enjoying the class as well,
i am really fascinated by the way our own body is created,
every single nerve,  muscle, or cells fit perfectly in our body,
this job only can be done by God,
no human can ever do it.
each time of learning, i am amazed by it.
i am looking forward to discover more....

we're having the 1st physio lab today,
my eyes get blurred because of doing the Red blood cell counting,
i know how to count $, numbers...
but this is the 1st time i have to count for those tiny tiny red blood cells!!
its very suffering,really bad for eyes, bcoz there're so...tiny!